I want you to know I’m not as inarticulate as you think I am. I just have trouble talking to people. Or around people. I’m thirty-one years old and I’m just starting to realize that I have this problem. That the common denominator of all the things that stress me out – at work, in class, in social settings – is talking to people. It’s not that I don’t like people. I love people. I find them fascinating. And inspiring. Some of them. Many of them intimidate me. Some of them make me wish I were something else, like a dolphin. But for the most part, I love people. I just wish I could talk to them.
When I try to talk to someone, or worse, join a discussion, the wheels of my brain start turning faster than my tongue will move.
Anyway I just think, and some thoughts are profound and some are just pointless. Like Britney Spears gossip. Why is that in there? I don’t need that disrupting some insight I’m having about human interaction and the fragmentation of our society? Why can't I get the insightful and witty thoughts out through my mouth. All that comes out is mumbled gibberish.
This has to be a recent development. I used to be a talker. I have trophies to prove it. In debate, oral interpretation, and oratory. I almost went to Nationals in Oratory. (Christ that’s nerdy, but it’s true. I was in the final round, I got a plaque, it was a proud moment. And bittersweet.) It’s only in recent years that the thought of having to ask a question about a project makes my palms sweat. I was a director, a stage manager for god’s sake. I could communicate clearly, lead a group. So what happened?
Theory 1: 21st century media have shorted out my brain. I can no longer think in a linear fashion. Every thought is punctuated by a footnote, a hyperlink, a picture in a picture. The news crawl. There’s something neurological going on that makes my brain move faster than my mouth.
Theory 2: Smoking weed has shorted out my brain. I’m like the melty girl with the talking dog in the anti-drug commercials. Or the stoner comedy character who forgot to grow up. Marijuana has, as promised in Reefer Madness, damaged my brain and made me anti-social.
Theory 3: Anti-depressants have shorted out my brain. I’ve been on them since I was 18. I’ve tried to stop taking them a few times, but each time my whole life fell apart and I went back on. I asked my psychiatrist why they call these drugs non-addictive when the results of not taking them look a so much like withdrawal. He said the difference is that people don’t resort to anti-social behavior to get the anti-depressants. He has a point, but it doesn’t rule out the possibility that the drugs have fried my brain. .
Theory 4: Everybody feels socially awkward. Possibly for one of these reasons. Possibly for other reasons. But it’s perfectly normal
Theory 5: High school forensics trophies aside, I have always been this way. My boyfriend has told me straight out that I have the same social awkwardness as my father. I’m afraid he’s right. That would explain so many things.
And yet: my father has many interesting friends. They are all wonderful people, an eclectic mix of thinkers and artists and musicians and teachers. When I flew home for his 60th birthday party, I boasted that all of the interesting people in St. Louis would be there. I’ve always wanted to have friends like his. Some days, when I make connections between people, introduce interesting friends to each other, I feel like it could happen.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Ordinary
My biggest fear is that I am ordinary. Christ, even in that so-called confession I sound banal. Who isn’t afraid of being ordinary? Exciting, interesting people, that’s who. It’s all of us boring people who sit around worrying about how boring we are.
I was supposed to be, well, extraordinary. Not even supposed to be, but I WAS. An extraordinary child, and extraordinary student. I had extraordinary hair. I have this vague memory of a song sung by the land of make-believe puppets on Mr. Rogers that made use of the word play of ordinary / extra ordinary / extraordinary. Even as a pre-schooler I loved the word play but apparently failed to absorb the message.
For awhile, all I wanted to be was ordinary. When I was about twelve, I came home and announced that I didn’t want to get A’s anymore, that I wanted to get C’s like everyone else. My parents were mortified and probably couldn’t agree on whether I’d benefit more from pyschotherapy or from boarding school. But I was serious. I was tired of the relentless teasing, of being different. Of being accused of being a goody two shoes and having teachers like me no matter what I did. At heart, I was less of a goody two shoes than half the people accusing me, but I wasn’t cool enough for anyone to care.
I managed it for awhile. Nothing horrendous enough to make a good story, but I did spend junior high with a tough crowd. Got a few C’s and a D. Became sexually rebellious. But the burnouts I idolized were pretty boring. And they were assholes, too. They found stupid gross out racist dead baby jokes amusing but they didn’t get the shaggy dog stories I’d learned from my father. They didn’t get New Yorker cartoons, which I’d been giggling at since I taught myself to read. They didn’t even get the Matt Groening comics that I got in trouble for bringing to class. So I went back to my nerdy friends and lived happily ever after.
Except that twenty years later, I’m just another grown up nerd. Otherwise known as gainfully employed. Everyone I know has the same stories. Some people even have some gruesome family drama thrown in; the worst thing that happened in my house was cartoon violence. My father liked to threaten my mother with a water gun. She might have preferred a real one, which as a pacifist he’d be unlikely to actually fire—there was nothing she hated more than water on her face. She never learned to swim and showered with a washcloth over her eyes. The kind of details that are weird enough to be extraordinarily normal.
In my twenties, I thought I had some interesting stories to tell. Before I realized that every middle class smarty pants went backpacking in Europe and felt transformed by it and had crazy sexual adventures with itinerant musicians. Hell, nowadays kids backpack through southeast asia and Africa and roll their eyes at how people once thought Europe was eye-opening. Boring.
Tattoos? Grandmas compliment mine and tell me about the ones they just got. Piercings? The ones I still have look ridiculous on my flabby body. Shaved head? It grew back. Polyamory? Not what it was cracked up to be. Being really fucking smart? If I were really as fucking smart as I thought I was, I’d have done something extraordinary by now. I’m only smart enough that no one wants to play board games with me, and that I'm constantly aggravated by people who aren’t so smart--but not smart enough to write a novel or invent something useful or win a nobel prize. I can’t even win an ignoble prize. The best I do is the occasional random drawing at the office Christmas party.
Still, maybe there’s hope. Maybe I’ll become famous for being ordinary, be an inspiration to ordinary people everywh—shit! Another story that sounds way too familiar.
I was supposed to be, well, extraordinary. Not even supposed to be, but I WAS. An extraordinary child, and extraordinary student. I had extraordinary hair. I have this vague memory of a song sung by the land of make-believe puppets on Mr. Rogers that made use of the word play of ordinary / extra ordinary / extraordinary. Even as a pre-schooler I loved the word play but apparently failed to absorb the message.
For awhile, all I wanted to be was ordinary. When I was about twelve, I came home and announced that I didn’t want to get A’s anymore, that I wanted to get C’s like everyone else. My parents were mortified and probably couldn’t agree on whether I’d benefit more from pyschotherapy or from boarding school. But I was serious. I was tired of the relentless teasing, of being different. Of being accused of being a goody two shoes and having teachers like me no matter what I did. At heart, I was less of a goody two shoes than half the people accusing me, but I wasn’t cool enough for anyone to care.
I managed it for awhile. Nothing horrendous enough to make a good story, but I did spend junior high with a tough crowd. Got a few C’s and a D. Became sexually rebellious. But the burnouts I idolized were pretty boring. And they were assholes, too. They found stupid gross out racist dead baby jokes amusing but they didn’t get the shaggy dog stories I’d learned from my father. They didn’t get New Yorker cartoons, which I’d been giggling at since I taught myself to read. They didn’t even get the Matt Groening comics that I got in trouble for bringing to class. So I went back to my nerdy friends and lived happily ever after.
Except that twenty years later, I’m just another grown up nerd. Otherwise known as gainfully employed. Everyone I know has the same stories. Some people even have some gruesome family drama thrown in; the worst thing that happened in my house was cartoon violence. My father liked to threaten my mother with a water gun. She might have preferred a real one, which as a pacifist he’d be unlikely to actually fire—there was nothing she hated more than water on her face. She never learned to swim and showered with a washcloth over her eyes. The kind of details that are weird enough to be extraordinarily normal.
In my twenties, I thought I had some interesting stories to tell. Before I realized that every middle class smarty pants went backpacking in Europe and felt transformed by it and had crazy sexual adventures with itinerant musicians. Hell, nowadays kids backpack through southeast asia and Africa and roll their eyes at how people once thought Europe was eye-opening. Boring.
Tattoos? Grandmas compliment mine and tell me about the ones they just got. Piercings? The ones I still have look ridiculous on my flabby body. Shaved head? It grew back. Polyamory? Not what it was cracked up to be. Being really fucking smart? If I were really as fucking smart as I thought I was, I’d have done something extraordinary by now. I’m only smart enough that no one wants to play board games with me, and that I'm constantly aggravated by people who aren’t so smart--but not smart enough to write a novel or invent something useful or win a nobel prize. I can’t even win an ignoble prize. The best I do is the occasional random drawing at the office Christmas party.
Still, maybe there’s hope. Maybe I’ll become famous for being ordinary, be an inspiration to ordinary people everywh—shit! Another story that sounds way too familiar.
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